Monday, August 11, 2014

Blue Light Special or BE MY DULCINEA!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Can a man love too much?
Is it possible that men in general can NEVER cleave to only one woman?
Is monogamy a myth?
These questions are important to both the individual man as he goes about his daily business, and on a larger philosophical level to mankind in general.

Frankly,I am almost embarrassed to discuss this in public yet again.
Aw fuck it. Here goes.

Not long ago, many of you may recall, I professed publicly my undying love for AVA STARFIRE.

Before that, I detailed my efforts to win the affections of Lady Shaniqua.

Also, I made some quasi subtle overtures to Laedy, one of the grand dames of NEW EDEN.
I thought my LAEDY infatuation might lead to something, but ultimately I grew weary of her incessant need to involve the authorities and the numerous cease and desist letters from her lawyers that poured in, not to mention the restraining orders and bench warrants.
I almost got my third strike!!

Interlaced amongst these activities, was an overt flirtation with the Dragon Tattoo's in house hottie, Luna Lafisque.
Luna, however, kept me at arms length.

I know this looks bad.
At the very least, these activities paint me as somewhat "flighty".

Some have gone so far as to refer to me as a "serial buttocks fondler!"

I am not.

I am just a poor struggling capsuleer looking for love in all the wrong places.
Ava was tantalizing to say the least, but courting her was dangerous.

I was not unlike the male blackwidow spider or its Australian variant, who with one misstep during a mating dance generally ends up as dinner for his potential mate.
AVA could kill me without blinking an eye.
I dared not pursue that deadly damsel.
I backed off.

You can see, things were not going well for me on the romance front.

My repeated failures to secure a bride and insure the continuation of the Lhorenzho bloodline has proven to be a source of constant irritation.

Also, my intrusive, overbearing MAMA is growing impatient.
She has made it clear that she wants "muchos nietos y nietas!"

I don't relish bringing people into my boudoir, at least not fully conscious, but its time for old Lho to make some legitimate heirs.

Yes, I could try Pirate Mingle or some other electronic based dating service, but I have never been convinced that these sources could succeed in doing what my latino homeboy good looks and convincing make them drop their panties rap could not.

My killer rap has just been directed at the wrong targets.
The problemo could never be me. Right?
In any event, the recent lull in my love life has put me down in the dumps.
I won't deny that.

I was hitting the tequila hard and smoking mucha "marijuana".

But then, a miracle.
A miracle, promulgated by a fateful shopping trip.

Isn't it amazing how one innocent action can be a life changer?

While taking inventory in HEILD station a week ago, I noted that I was completely out of my current favorite ship.

My CYNO popping ENYO's.

(BTW, these little fuckers are primo CYNO poppers. Take my word for it. They pack a wallop, are nimble with great GTFO attributes, sport reppers, and are in my eyes even better than my old Ruppys for these type of duties. You don't have to be fucking Azual Skoll to see this shit!)

Both the digital computer inventory and a walk through the hangar for an actual visual count confirmed my worst fears.


Those of you fuckers who can read a map  know that Heild is next door to BOSENA.
Bosena is the HQ of a store front named SARDMART.

Now, I am not going to provide free advertising for this place, and I will leave it to you lazy fuckers to research the history of this establishment, but at the very least you should know that for pirates operating out of the MOLDEN HEATH region, this "tienda" is pretty convenient, especially when you are perpetually at -10. I am a bad boy most of the time and am ALWAYS at or near -10. (I hear the chicks love the bad boys!)

And, it just so happened that on the day I discovered my ENYO shortages, Sard Caid, was minding the register at SARDMART.

I quickly struck up a convo with the "proprietor" and told him what I needed.
That is both good news and bad news.

Bad news because in short order he managed to muck up my order and could not locate on his own shelfs half the shit I was looking for, in particular some rigs that are pivotal to the CYNO popping capabilities of my beloved ENYOS!

Come on VATO get your shit together!!!!

Luckily for Caid and for yours truly, a RETAIL ANGEL was present that day. The good news!!
An angel who had heretofore flown "UNDER THE RADAR" so to speak of the Lhorenzho BABE LOCATOR antenna!

Her name was SUGAR KYLE!!

AY que azucar tan dulce!!!!!!

And it was clear from our first introduction that she was in to me and in to me big time!!!
My intuition is never wrong fuckers! Take it to the bank!

What a resourceful CHICK, this gal is!
Am I the only one who finds resourceful women a real turn on?

Caid, you are lucky ese that she was around that day to correct your blunders, because I was on the verge of abandoning that shopping cart brimming with modules and ammo and traipse down to your nearest competitor. That fucking Neo Wal-Mart place with the freshly cloned produce and discounted modules from Placid.

I ain't lying vato!
Sugar saved your ass dude.

Let me tell you, in no time flat, she was able to get me every single item I needed to fully fit my ENYO fleet, including the rigs that confounded Sard Caid.

You should have seen the virtuosity as she worked the keys on the register. (I was not there but could hear the feverish clicking of the Point of Sale device.
The aplomb with which she collated, verified, and confirmed every single item on my order sheet was nothing short of miraculous.

(BTW, Mr. Caid, have you ever considered just working with your hands?)

She even chastized him a bit for his failings.
You know a little friendly Tsk Tsk that still sends a message. I hope he was paying attention.

What kind of entrepreneur are you dude?

But enought of that shit.

Some of you may be asking, how do you know Lhorenzho, that sweet SUGAR KYLE is realy into you?

Simple my concrete thinking friends.
She gave me a 30% discount on the rigs.
Nothing says I love you like a hefty discount.

Also, she called me by my first name when addressing me AND she did not ask for my ID when I paid with my Caldari Issue American Express card!
(don't leave home without it MOFO's!)

I know our transaction was done remotely but still, even separated by space, I could feel the "sexual tension" between us, me and this SUGAR babe.

Lets cut to the chase.
I do have a bit of a dilemna to be sure.
I don't know what kind of relationshop exists between this Caid dude and my Shoogah!
I tried to pump that fucking Miura Bull for info but he wasn't talking.

I felt like I was back in Jr. High in THE CITADEL, passing notes back and forth asking if Bobbi Sue has a boyfriend!

Hey BULL, that dude ain't your boss no more! Spill the beans!

If they are an item, I am gonna have to elbow my way in.

But,I digress.

What is she doing working for or with him?

Is she merely his sexy model draped over the hood of some ship he is trying to sell to some poor sap, or is she the brains and better half of some retailing team that I am not aware of?
A platonic collaboration where she is carrying his ass and keeping him in the black!

I have a hydroponic garden in my CQ and all my 5 leaf clovers end with "SHE LOVES ME".
It is fate I believe.

Those of you who know me are aware that I wont be troubled by this little road bump name SARD CAID too long.

If 3 is a crowd, I will figure a way to get that number to 2 real quick if you catch my drift.

I got some homies that will pay you a visit Caid.
Ay pobrecito when they finish with you cabron!

You know, I was thinking recently about life and its vagaries and challenges.
It is incredible to me that despite the dazzling technology that permeates our NEW EDEN, we humanoids are still left to wrestle with lifes lowest common denominators, not the least of which is the primordial urge to procreate.

The primitive fire in the loins that brings men and women together must be served.
I am ready to settle down now.

I need a "VIEJA" I can call my own.

SUGAR KYLE, I am convinced is the ONE!

I want to take you home to meet my MAMA Sugar.

I know you two will be great friends!
Before I do, we need to get some things straight baby doll.

I don't sign pre-nups.
Forget that shit.
If that is how you roll I may have to don my old "wifebeater" T-shirt and do some "indoctrination".

Your shit will be mine. Okay?
Me entiendes?

Also, in case you don't know, I prefer Blondes so you might want to consider making a quick run for some blonde in a bottle formula. Ya Follow?

I prefer longer hair as well?
I have attached a picture you can use as a guide.

Get yourself ready honey. Your life is about to change.

BTW, you gonna love New Cali Sugar!! East LA is freaking paradise!

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