Tuesday, September 17, 2013
A Woman Like this you have Never Seen
From: Sugar Kyle
Sent: 2013.09.17 18:56
It has come to my attention that you seek communication with me. With this request a host of letters were given to me. I can say but that I was
surprised and a bit puzzled by them and as I leafed through them I placed them to the side. If it were not for the impassioned pleas of common
associates I would not even pen these words.
Lhorenzho, I believe your name is. Lhorenzho is how I know of you. I know of you through your purchases of Enyos and your aptly selected module and
ammunitions selections. I know of you through your presence through local and random whispers. Yet, as I read these words that have been handed to me
that represent some acknowledgment for favor from you to myself I am struck by some things.
Lhorenzho, who is it that you think you are writing to? It is clear to me that you do not know who Sugar Kyle is. In your own words you do not
acknowledge me as the Mistress of Bosena Market. Your speech, while alight with energy and soaring words appears to believe that it can contain the
Pirate Queen of Molden Heath.
What do you think I am, Lhorenzho? A serving wench to be tipped in the corner and given a shiny coin for her time? An ornament for you to admire and
place upon a shelf to wait faithfully for your attention? Do you think that plying the trade of the Bosena Market where I supply you what you do not
have for yourself would draw my attention to you as more than one of the thousands of pilots that pass through my space?
Sir, I am Sugar Kyle, Pirate Queen and Mistress of the Bosena Market. I am a pirate as much as you are. My speech is the rat-tat-tat of autocannons. My
form the ship that I undock in. My mind is the goal that I aim for. I am no man's creature. I am no man's toy.
I believe my words would not be so bold and true if it were not for the fact that in the fevered imaginings of your frantic thoughts you believe that
you can command me. My hair? It is as blue as the day that I was born. My speech? It is of the most pure Minmatar unblemished by the slang that you use.
For, good Sir, I did have to use a translation device to trudge through the incoherent slang that you used.
You do not 'take me' anywhere. You do not command me to change my hair. I will roam the space lanes free. I need not bind myself to one who believes
that with a snap of his fingers I would prostrate myself to the floor while seeking to please him. .
Oh no. You know nothing of me. I hope you like my new hairstyle, Lhorenzho. I call it battle bald.
SUSAN DERPANTSOFF Esquire
To: Sugar Kyle - proprietor Bosena Market
Dear Ms. Kyle,
Please permit me to introduce myself.
My name is Susan Derpantsoff.
I am an attorney representing Mr. Lhorenzho.
Please note that I have a general civil practice whose main office is in Pator Tech station in Heild (please see attached list of satellite offices).
Our practice is focused solely on the numerous business and financial affairs of the man you know as Lhorenzho.
Yes, in a manner of speaking I am like a mafia Don's consigliere.
Like Tom Hagen in that great old movie "The Podfather?" (sic), I have but one client.
I need not add that he pays me very well and he commands my utmost loyalty, respect, and allegiance.
Although my client prefers to keep his diverse, eclectic, and highly profitable activities confidential and discreet, his numerous holdings and considerable affluence and prosperity often bring him to the attention of the New Eden population in general.
Try as we might, we cannot keep that bright light that is Lhorenzho under a bushel!
As a quasi successful entrepreneur and small time proprietor in your own right, (I commend you for pushing through the proverbial glass ceiling!) you no doubt are aware that our universe is replete with individuals of questionable character and is also filled with unscrupulously duplicitous corporate entities who would seek to appropriate by whatever means necessary assets that others have acquired by dint of their own industriousness and ingenuity.
(Mr. Lhorenzho built his empire with his own two hands! Yes, a trust fund was available, but it was a mere springboard.)
Many of the worst offenders are those who choose to label themselves as "capsuleers" or "pirates" or "PvPers".
Mr. Lhorenzho calls them "punks" and other epithets that decorum does not permit me to repeat on our business letterhead.
That the primary motivation of these "flashy reds" for getting up in the morning is to perpetuate nefarious activities cannot be denied.
It is their raison d'etre.
To the point.
You may be wondering, Ms. Kyle, why our office is contacting you specifically.
This memorandum to you was triggered by the filtering system of our proprietary security software.
Please do not be offended but our "GOLDDIGGER ALERT" was tripped when your correspondence (attached below) to Mr. Lhorenzho was processed.
Yes, your letter has been intercepted.
Various New Eden statutes mandate that we disclose this fact to you.
It has so been disclosed.
Your acknowledgement under separate cover would be appreciated.
Your letter raised many troubling issues, but they will not be addressed at this time pending your compliance with more pressing requirements detailed below.
First things first Ms. Kyle.
Your "I am woman hear me roar" comments while quaint and strangely aggressive have been heard but are of secondary importance for the moment.
Our office is curious as to who you are and what you are about and what your intentions might be vis-à-vis our client.
Clearly, you can see Ms. Kyle, that we are vigilant not only with respect to what New Eden's scurrilous pirates might do, but also to the possibility that a member of the fairer sex might also orchestrate an unauthorized "transfer of funds".
Luckily, we have safeguards in place.
All communications that are generated by Mr. Lhorenzho either of a business nature or personal are routed through our office for review and action.
It is left to our discretion to determine exactly how much follow up investigative activity is mandated.
This very necessary and effective filter applies to incoming as well as outgoing mail.
In addition to written mail, IM's, sexchats, and holographic mutual gratification sessions are also "monitored".
Security concerns prohibit me from providing any additional details on how our software and security operatives perform their magic.
Rest assured they are efficient and leave no stone unturned.
Needless to say, our office has Mr. Lhorenzho's full confidence and we have been given carte blanche to proceed with any investigative process we feel is warranted.
In essence, Ms. Kyle, I am a "buffer" of sorts whose primary mission is to protect my client not only from those outside the "circle of trust" so to speak, but also to protect him from his own missteps if need be.
Much has been written about the foibles and follies of men.
Are not all great men afflicted with a proclivity to "self destruct" at times"?
As majestic and imposing as he was in his prime, we must sadly acknowledge and recognize that he has slipped a bit in recent years.
In particular, his inclination for chasing and wooing and soliciting the attentions of attractive women has become an increasing thorn in our side and has made our job more difficult.
He is a man who in the past has been known to fall quickly under the spell of beautiful women who may seek to beguile him with their charms, many of these seductresses were unmistakably motivated by a desire to further their own means.
You are not the first Ms. Kyle, although it appears that he has it particularily bad for you.
As I understand it, you have never met in person.
His fascination with you troubles our team here in our office.
Toiling away in his corner office on the top floor of "Lhorenzho Towers", my client, due to his prodigious work load, is unfortunately denied opportunities to socialize with others and this lack of interaction takes its toll on him.
He is a titan in his own right but he is starting to falter a bit.
He had the prescience and brilliant foresight years ago to set up our watchdog apparatus and its purpose was and continues to be to protect him.
It functions on his behalf even when he is not aware it is doing so.
It is on autopilot most of the time and we respond when alarms are triggered usually in instances like the one precipitated by your curious letter.
One that appears to admonish him, yet contains an unmistakable come hither element and tone.
A letter that a perceptive romantic like Lhorenzho would be expected to respond to in one fashion or another.
And now, when nature has finally begun to do to him what countless human rivals and enemies could NEVER do i.e. take him down a notch, we find it imperative to act with resolve to protect him.!
And now we must do our job.
It may offend you in part, and we offer our apologies, but these feelings of offense you may feel are a necessary collateral damage that is inherent in an investigation of this type.
Permit me to provide a modicum of background Ms. Kyle, so you do not get the impression that our interests are purely professional and motivated solely by money.
We have grown to care deeply over the years for my client.
He is a highly sociable individual who has always had a large circle of friends, business associates and family members nearby.
As his empire has expanded and flourished he has found himself increasingly isolated from those he most cares about. Long hours and responsibilities that most of us could never bring ourselves to shoulder have diminished the buoyancy of his once vibrant personality.
Frankly, he can get quite lonely up there on the 98th floor and he is consequently more susceptible to being victimized by young women who are drawn to his aura of power and wealth like moths to a light bulb.
Don't get your wings singed Ms. Kyle!
Add to that the recent death of his favorite aunt Pascualita and you have a scenario where he might be motivated to look for a "diversion". That diversion might very well be you Ms. Kyle, but not before we do our due diligence.
More on that later.
I, along with my staff, have read the numerous letters penned by my client and sent to you via registered EVE mail.
He has also, as you noted in your letter, enlisted the help of mutual acquaintances, in his efforts to get "close to you" as the sad anorexic waif Karen Carpenter used to croon.
These mutual acquaintances will also need to be vetted.
Anyone who has "vouched" for you to Mr. Lhorenzho or who has passed a "note" to you from my client will have to be interrogated.
Please have one Naoru Kozan contact our office as soon as possible.
It is likely that one Miura Bull may also be subpoenaed depending on circumstances.
In closing, and to use the vernacular of the street Ms. Kyle, Lhorenzho has the hots for you.
As one woman to another, we know how vulnerable a man with his libido aroused can be.
He often is no longer thinking straight.
Even Lhorenzho has fallen prey to this common predilection.
Even without his chemical enhancements he can be quite the charmer and despite his romantic bravado he is a sweet older gentleman who has often looked for love in all the wrong places. (The press reports stating he was arrested running nude and carousing with Jovian Transvestites while wearing a multi-colored penis sheath were grossly exaggerated!)
We are his financial caretakers and we take our duties seriously.
The threat we his loyal security team face on a daily basis is multifaceted.
It is not necessary for his latest love interest to physically abscond with his money.
There are other ways to impact the fiduciary and financial stability of a giant conglomerate.
The mere fact that his heart is broken due to continual rejection can trigger serious episodes of depression leading to long bouts of out of control spending, drinking, and drug abuse that can significantly affect the bottom line of Lhorenzho Enterprises.
He can be flamboyantly lavish with his cash and credit cards when inebriated and/or lovesick.
It has happened before Ms. Kyle.
You are hereby advised that should you choose to continue your correspondence with our client you will be required to undergo a full, comprehensive physical examination by a panel of appropriate specialists. They will deal with somatic concerns.
Also required will be a psychiatric examination by a practitioner of OUR choosing.
We will shortly be sending you a panel list of acceptable physicians.
Please select one on the form by placing an X in the appropriate box.
You will need to undergo a series of progressively more stringent polygraph examinations and will need to take the most current version of the minnesota multiphasic personality inventory to rule out any multiaxial disassociative disorders.
Your penchant for "buying and selling" hints at some possible issues with money so a full financial status report of ALL of your accounts and holdings will be required.
ALL account numbers and pass codes MUST be divulged to our examiners Ms. Kyle!
You have our guarantee that your information will be maintained in the strictest of confidence and will be protected by our state of the art encryption process.
It has only failed once to our knowledge.
Lastly, there was a significant tone of anger, acrimony, and animosity permeating your rather disjointed letter and this aspect will have to be specifically addressed as well.
Failure to comply with these steps may result in having your access to the charismatic Lhorenzho severely restricted.
That prospect alone has motivated many others in your position to comply willingly with ALL of our requests.
Please contact our office as expeditiously as possible to arrange suitable dates for the examinations referenced above.
In the interim please refrain from contacting our client in any manner.
We will invoke any and all injunctive processes should you fail to adhere to our admonitions.
Sue Derpantsoff Esquire
Derpantsoff and associates LLC
attachment: Letter from party Kyle to Lhorenzho. The exhibit marked SK1 has not been altered or redacted in any manner.
(our office is located next to Pator Tech ambulance service should you wish to stop in and say hello)