Monday, August 11, 2014


Friday, November 2, 2012

Listen up Cabrones!
I just saw the following news Item and it really hit home.
I hang out in the GW and while I hate tourist types and nosey pirates invading my privacy there, I still feel compelled to look out for your sorry asses!
Read this shit and take heed.
Stay out of the area.
It ain't safe!

New Eden Journal of Business  (NEJOB) - Bix Bixley correspondent

A large FENRIR freighter owned and operated by the BICHO3XL pharmaceutical consortium suffered a devastating warp core failure this morning, resulting in a catastrophic explosion and complete loss of its highly volatile cargo, a mutated form of the companies proprietary genital enhancement compound.

Authorities are in the process of coordinating a large scale cleanup operation considered by many to be the largest ever marshalled subsequent to an industrial environmental mishap.

At this time, GREAT WILDLANDS authorities are warning ALL residents residing in the region and in all the neighboring regions to avoid the areas and preferably to vacate the region if possible for health and safety reasons.

Leave the area IMMEDIATELY!

Any and all operations planned for the devastated region should be tabled until further notice.
A large contingent of medical personnel has been brought into the area to provide emergency assistance and to coordinate the larger public safety effort that this spill will manifest.

The area's center for disease control is also involved in the effort.

ALthough details are sketchy, noted Urologist Tink L. Rainwater M.D. has painted a grim picture of the possible effects the released compound could have on those who come in contact with the solution.

Even traces of the highly concentrated chemical are known to be deleterious to humanoid health.
The original compound known as PPGro10, was expected to revolutionize the field of SEXUAL Therapy, in particular dealing with premature ejaculation and non consumnation issues.

The company was hoping to capitalize on the recent discovery that
 SIZE DOES MATTER, and expected to reap windfall profits when those formerly suffering from "needle dick syndrome" (not an industry term) suddenly found themselves significantly ENHANCED.

"Every man wants his package to impress the ladies", said Huo Mungous Lung, the operations manager of the company.

"We were set to make a killing!" uttered a clearly deflated Lung.

Women expressed great joy during test sessions.
The company is struggling to deal with the Public relations disaster and sales impact this event could have on the bottom line.

Sources have confirmed that the solution has not yet garnered FDA approval and anonymous personnel have stated that a recent batch that was found to have mutated on its own had turned up missing during an internal inventory assessment.

The company was in the process of moving the mutated compound when the accident occurred.

The mutated form was discovered during testing to have the opposite effect of the normal
solution, resulting in test subjects waking up in the morning with a rare medical malady known as LilliputianPenis, or as it was jokingly referred to by the lab workers...MiniME.

The compound also crossed gender lines.

Women were not immune from the chemical.

Many found that their costly implants, both saline and silicon, had violently exploded, resulting in some cases in severe physical disfigurement and injury.

The missing solution suspected to have found its way to some of the regions most notorious outposts is said to have been particularily damaging to the "EXOTIC DANCER" industry as a mad scramble has ensued for replacement implants.

Opportunistic entrepreneur types have quickly moved to fill the void, flooding the market with cheap imitations that are selling at a premium due to the urgency of the dancers need to please their patrons.
SardMart, a reseller of goods in Bosena has been running a 2 for the price of 1 promotion on the implants.

No one has confirmed what SardMart employees are using as filler (rumored to be grindings from frozen corpses), and Bosena medics are cautioning the women on the potential medical complications the bootleg implants could create.

The solution had a secondary effect of reversing Brazilian Wax jobs, causing many women to wake with "bushy bushes".
The lab workers also joked about this effect calling it the Edward Scissorhands full employment act!

It was rumored that the mutated form was to be utilized as a biological weapon and delivered by Large war headed MISSILE to target areas to create havoc and chaos from the inside.

"Can you imagine the cry to the heavens that would be heard when every woman in the target system suddenly found herself facing this "small" problem.
Fighting would be the last thing on the minds of that enemy!", stated company CFO, Lester Long.
"When your man can't dig deep, you got a problem!" added Long.
"I have gone to great lengths to push this product to our defense people!" emphasized a clearly exaperated Long.

The military commander in charge of the evacuation, General Precioso Verga, has asked for additional troops to curb looting and to facilitate the process of moving as many people out of the area as possible.

"Time is of the essence." he stated sternly.

"You want a small peepee?
Stick around then!"

"KEEP OUT OF THE GREAT WILDLANDS!!" spewed Verga angrily as he rushed off to lead the effort.

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