Sunday, May 4, 2014
First, I ask you to take a gander at the implement pictured above.
It is officially called an ASP Baton, and it was the East L.A. homeboys tool of choice for making sure the old lady was "always in the mood", that is until that foolish Jeff Gilooly, ex husband of notorious bad girl skater, Tanya Harding, hired some dim wit to use one to whack Nancy Kerrigan in the knee.
In the barrio, we never heard the words, "Not Tonight Viejo, I have a headache!".
No gleam killer for us.
This baton was better than any aspirin.
You merely pointed to the tool in the corner of the room and you would soon as Shakespeare so aptly stated be the recipient of.... ‘profit’s yet to come ‘tween me and you’
"COSITAS BUENAS" as that great salsa song used to say
Also, as an ergonomic aside, it possessed a symmetry and balance that made it a joy to "wield".
A random non-sequitor I know but an important point to make.
Now, thanks to that foolish shortsighted Gillooly, this marvelous magic wand has been forever stigmatized as a tool for nefarious actions, throwing it into the heap along with brass knuckles, the Tucker telephone, and the Cat o nine tails. (you will have to research those yourself).
We will come back to this BATON in a few minutes.
I have other quick issues to cover.
Lets press on.
Recently, Miura Bull, the chief of the Screaming Hayabusa (SKRMR), published a blog post that has, as I so astutely predicted after first reading it, created havoc within the membership of SKRMR and may ultimately spell the demise of that great organzation.
Yes this knee jerk policy and proposal could topple the HAYABUSAS!
Here is the blog post:
When he first published the blog, I penned a strongly worded cautionary post on our forums, hoping to convince Da BULL that he should table this whole idea.
Predictably, as is his custom, he ignored my admonitions and set the corp upon itself, forcing us to battle night and day, for the purposes of being named SKRMR champion.
There isn't even a fucking belt!
Many who have read this blog in the past are keenly aware of the ongoing battle I have had with this CEO.
Frankly, he could care less if his entire corporation to the man/woman toppled over from sheer exhaustion.
He is, I am afraid, a misanthropist of the first order.
This blog post of mine is being penned on the 5th of May and already I have seen the deleterious effects this policy has promulgated.
Every active member of the corporation is undocked and scrambling for their lives, killing everything that moves or even doesn't move but at a heavy cost.
Day old noobs, cyno ships, and celestial objects of all types are being destroyed and at record numbers.
This is saying something as the HAYABUSA, are the top ranked PvP corporation by BC standards.
Many have already complained that they just cannot go on.
I have become the unofficial ample "shoulder to cry on".
But what can I do?
I pat them on the head, wipe their little tears, give them a shot of whiskey and push them off the undock.
My hands are tied!!
Now, I must address the sexism I have encountered and at this juncture we reconnect to to the BATON discussion noted above.
At the beginning of the month, one of our newest members and a former chief of R1FTA, Arianne Stone, stormed out of the gates and took a quick lead on the KillBoard.
She was a sight to behold. A femme fatale indeed.
While chatting casually with the BOSS, he intimated that having a girl at the top could be problematic from a public relations point of view.
I of course did not agree.
Now I am not up on all the "emoticon" language and am fuzzy on what inferences those little characters may convey when served up in a chat.
But what I saw next troubled me.
I saw what looked like a winking eye pop up and a comment from Da Bull about someone doing a "KERRIGAN" on Arianne!!
I have taken the liberty of ordering my dear ARI the following industrial strength knee pads.
I will let that sexist 15th century mindset sit in your gullet for a spell as I move on to yet another major concern of mine, since this has turned into a generalized complaint session.
Rampant age discrimination.
Late last night, while consoling another harried, distressed, young corpmate, I was stunned to hear words I had never hoped to hear in my tenure as pilot with SKRMR.
The young pilot, no doubt, overwhelmed with gratitude at my comforting words, looked up and with a smile called me "SENIOR SKRMR CHAMPION!"
Evidently in private, it is being bandied about that I should be competing in a separate division, a division for older players, a division that golfer Lee Trevino used to refer to as the "ROUND BELLIES", when speaking about the senior PGA.
Yes I have a big round belly and an unflattering panniculus.
But surgery can remedy that dammit!!
My piloting skills are still excellent and I use my hands and my wits not my gut!!
I am thought incapable of competing on a level footing with these young punks.
I am certain that DA BULL both initiated and fueled the flames of that vicious rumor!
Well, I present the following for your perusal:
The "EURO's" have gone to bed and I will soon be out and about looking for targets.
As Will Varner told his son in THE LONG HOT SUMMER when referring to the rival Ben Quick...."He will be awake when you are asleep and he will be where you ain't!"
I am out there young whippersnappers and I am killing shit!!!
I will log tonite and hit the sack sitting comfortably at the top of the KILLBOARD!!
How do you like them apples?
I apologize for the resentment and indignation that may be permeating this post but I am at my wits end.
Though I disagree with the whole SKRMR champion concept, I am going to teach those young punks a thing or two.
This goes for R1FTA as well.
Watch yourselves young REBELS!!
This month and only this month I will put my feeling aside and push for that TITLE!!
You have awakened a sleeping sexagenarian!!!!!
Watch your six punks!!!!