DONG dings KANE - PIZZA as a WAR TACTIC!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

“Hey, Kane Rizzel is in Gus. Anyone want to take him on?” Those were the words uttered by my young corpmate, the impressive, highly knowledgeable and rambunctious Dong Orson, the other day as we sat in station in the Auner system, one of our new Black Rebel Rifter club’s headquarters. 

“He is always in Gus”, I recall responding. “We look forward to reading your battle report”, I remember saying to him.  "And don't forget to get his autograph for me!"

 Gusandall in the Heimatar region is a known hangout and presumably the home system of the infamous pirate and notorious PvPer, Kane Rizzel. 

 Now Kane, despite his fearsome reputation, is a man who is approachable and is not above engaging in conversation with starry eyed noob pilots, many, I might add, who harbor fanciful delusions of popping the well-known capsuleer.  The point is Kane Rizzel is not one of those Eve luminaries who think it is beneath them to talk to the “unwashed masses” that dart to and fro in our vast New Eden universe. 

 I myself elicited a DareDevil fit from Rizzel a while back after reading a narrative on his blog about his exploits while piloting his beloved “Sgt. Antigua”.  I had just bought my first Daredevil and figured if I was going to solicit a fit from someone it might as well be from the DD virtuoso himself. Since I occasionally spent time in some of the channels where Rizell did, I mustered up the courage one day and brazenly asked him for the DD fit. Hey stupid is as stupid does. Life is like a box of chocolates and all that shit!
What did I have to lose.

 Much to my surprise Rizzel was very helpful giving me not only his fit but also adding some much needed information about the types of modules I should fit (he emphasized a specific faction webber) and he tossed in some recommended tactics to utilize, in particular when engaging the pesky Dramiels.

 It would not be hyperbole to state that Rizzel is without equal when it comes to flying the daredevil.  The dude will eat your lunch. 

After Dong made his observation about spotting Rizzel, I fully expected him to move on and the matter would end there.

Dong was in his Hawk and he was out and about doing what the Black Rebels do best, that is, looking for trouble.  But, looking for trouble is one thing, engaging one of Eve’s most celebrated and successful pirates is another. Before I knew it, Dong dropped his bombshell.

“Kane has agreed to a one v one.”  

Thank God Dong didn’t hear me drop my cup of coffee. I was thankful I wasn't drinking my usual superheated cup of Mcdonalds coffee (senior citizen cup 49cents) or I would have had some hardboiled "huevos". AY AY AY!!!

“Where do you want me to send your saddle”, I joked only half believing his boast.

LoL he typed. Then a long silence.

“Holy shit Dong, Is he in his Daredevil?”, I asked once I realized he was not kidding.

“I think he is in a Jaguar”, he responded.

“Well that is either a compliment or an insult”, I told him.

Suddenly, the air became more tense and it was clear the wheels in Dong’s head were spinning, no doubt formulating possible strategies for his upcoming engagement.  We made small talk.

Had he made arrangements to have his frozen corpse collected? Should I offer to do that and collect his loot as well? My own mind was now racing.

Dong commented on the statements in Kane’s bio and we shared a laugh, but it was clear, Dong was getting his game face on.

“Dang, I am already nervous”, he told me.

 “Who wouldn’t be nervous. It’s only natural”, I said.
He's KANE RIZZEL!!!

AFK DUEL.

 The above suddenly popped up in our corp chat window.

 I poured myself a whiskey and settled back in my chair to await the results. Should I light a cigarette? The fight would be over before the 7 minutes it took to smoke my Kool filter king elapsed. I kept my lighter in my pocket.

ITS OVER!

The words in chat made me sit up. I prepared to offer words of encouragement and condolences. 

There would be another day.

Hey you gave it your best shot. 

You can always get a rematch. 

He is a more experienced combat pilot.

Kane got lucky.

I had any number of standard clichés that you would tell someone who had just been spanked in combat.

“It was a DRAW!”, Dong wrote.

“We couldn’t break each others tank!” 

Dong then inserted into chat a comment made by Kane complimenting the tank on Dong’s Hawk. 

WOW!

“And Kane had to get the door. He had a pizza delivery!”

There it was. The winning tactic. (Winning yes because even a draw with Rizzel might be considered a feather in someone’s cap)

Dong you sly little fucker.

 I have heard of food being used as an anti-depressant. Some people eat massive amounts of food to quell their frayed nerves. Some foods are touted to have impressive anti-oxidant properties. Some are said to prevent cancer. Yes, throughout history, food has been used in many creative ways and has served many purposes. It is even used in the "boudoir" sometimes to aid in hanky panky.
I have never, however, heard of a food item being used as a combat tactic in New Eden. How did he do it? How did he arrange to have a pizza delivered to the flat of one of Eve’s top killers at just the right moment?  Dong admitted that had the engagement drug on, he most likely would have lost as he had pretty much capped out. All hail the mighty pizza.

It was DONG's version of the desperation haymaker landed in the 15th round.

It was the walk off home run in the bottom of the 9th.

The great equalizer.

I am an idiot.
I have printed up reams and reams of articles, white papers, and other works over the years whose sole purpose is to instruct one in the fine art of Eve combat.
I often stayed up late at night bleary-eyed reading with a tiny night light reciting and memorizing stuff, all in the hope that I might some day battle the likes of Rizzel, Wensley, Miura Bull, and Sard Caid to a standstill!

Talk about barking up the wrong tree! 

I will have to re-examine my Eve training practices and priorities.

I have been poring over the above documents and intricate charts of optimal and falloff ranges of turrets and memorizing Ewar module statistics and reviewing data on the resist holes and bonuses of various ship types when what I should have been doing is collecting pizza delivery tables for the home towns of all of Eve’s combat icons!
I don’t fear them anymore!

Wensley are you up for a 1 v1 buddy? I have an ace up my sleeve now sir. Your charts and graphs aren’t gonna help you now. When that doorbell rings you are mine. I will even throw in a coke!

Of course Dong would not reveal details of his strategy.  Is there a preferred topping? Would a combination pizza be the ultimate weapon? I will keep probing until he gives up his secrets.

BTW.  Kane gave DONG a rain-check for a rematch. NO problemo baby. The pizza parlor number is on speed dial!!!