Monday, August 11, 2014

WHY I LAWYERED UP! or Blurred Lines

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Recently, my CEO released for public consumption and without my expressed permission, details regarding a personal squabble we are having over one of his latest pronouncements.

That release can be found here:

He also included a letter from my attorney.
He should have left well enough alone.
We could have settled quietly and amicably out of court and out of the public eye. (probably in the 9 figure range)
He will pay for that blunder later.
Trust me on that.

In any event, as a result of this ill advised action by my CEO, I found myself the target of significant acrimony from fellow capsuleers.

I recieved numerous detailed and somewhat creative death threats (what is a Bolo strangulation device?) and had my favorite Sleipnir "keyed" by some cowardly knave. (It was uninsured as I had a "non op" on the damn thing as I was waiting to reconfigure the fitting due to recent command ship changes!)

I also recieved several bags of nasty hate mail chastizing me for retaining legal counsel.

Why Lhorenzho, I was asked, are you so litigious?

Many letters opened with that question.


I will explain shortly.

You want to know why I smirk when I hear young pirates talking about their ships?

Why do I smile and shake my head when they talk about their struggles to "maintain range" or fret anxiously over whether they should be fitting "rails or artillery" or whether its worth it to "switch ammo mid fight" or anguish on the fine points of theory crafting as they go into excruciating detail regarding their EFT sessions as they strive heroically to "optimize" their fits?

Why do I glaze over when the topics of capacitor warfare or buying implants or augmentations or obtaining jump clones crop up?

Why am I indifferent to the lamentations and angst riddled diatribes of these young pups as they torment themselves over issues of prop mods or whether they should shield or armor tank or speed tank.


Is it because I am a heartless, uncaring, unfeeling bastard who is immune to the suffering and worries of others?
No. I care deeply about people.

I maintain this attitude because I know its ALL BULLSHIT!


Most of the young pilots I deal with on a daily basis haven't a clue where the real power in the Universe resides.
"No tienen bastante mundo" as my favorite uncle Fernando used to say. (They need more real life seasoning in essence)

Forget the fucking capital ships (you want me to train how long for a titan?) and let slip from memory the "awe inspiring" sight of 4000 ship fleets and forget the off grid boosting and links and all those other trifles.
All show and little substance.

Time dilation? Who gives a fuck?
Station trading. Planetary interaction?

Do it if you want.
I won't look down my nose at you.
But dont tell me they are means to real power in NEW EDEN.

How about massive aerial fortresses and planetary bombardment?
Is that a source of power in your eyes?

WHY DID I LAWYER UP? Think about it carefully for a moment.

That is my question to you.
It's not what you think.
I have already given you plenty of hints young people.

The answer is simple really.

That's right! A capable, remorselessly aggressive, and relentlessly dedicated IVY LEAGUE LAWYER is where the real power lies.

You fuck with me or mine what do you think I'm gonna do?
I won't raise an eyebrow.
I won't use harsh language against you.
There will probably be no discernible outward sign that I am even reacting to your actions.

I am not going to jump into my rifter or loki or Enyo and go chasing after you like some crazed emotional lunatic?

Certainly not.
I am a busy man.
I am a man who is measured in his responses.
I am a logical man.
I know whats up and like "The wolf" in PULP FICTION, the facilitator, I know how to get things done.

No. There will be no histrionics.
What I am going to do in response to your indiscretion(s) is noncholantly pick up my personal communication device and speed dial my highly paid ATTORNEY. (Her short BIO is provided below)

I will not work up a sweat prepping a ship for action.
Hell it's hot,muggy and dirty down in those greasy hangars and I have seen big rats down there.
My hands are manicured for crying out loud!

I make one fucking call.
I give my "COUNSELOR" a name and then I go back to sipping my white gold Jeroboam champagne, eating my Alba truffles and nibbling on the ear of my latest love interest as we rest our slipper clad feet on my 600 pound pet siberian tiger clone.
Sometimes we even munch on the dreams of the poor.
Did I say that out loud? I was just kidding.

But enough prefatory material.

Let's go into detail as to how conflict with me and my arsenal of attorneys might play out.

You are easy targets to be frank.
You do not want to be in my legal crosshairs.

You are like the lumbering elephant in the bush.
Dangerous to the unitiated.
The source of decorative Ivory to the keen and resourceful.

Most of you have left a trail of chaos as you have gone about your business.
It's in your nature.
Many of you have fathered a snootfull of illegitimate children, have stiffed landlords, friends and retailers, have been involved in public brawls resulting in damaged property, have dealt in the sale and distribution of controlled substances, have embezzled funds, violated probation, committed assaults and rapes, have perpetrated burglaries and other assorted breaking and entering infractions, and most of you have bounties on your heads.
And for good reason.

You have been very bad bunnies.
You have skeletons in your closets.
You have soft vulnerable underbellies and I have a sharp lawyer.
In essence I can exploit you and I will.

As Dickens said......"If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers".

Our conflict won't be like any you have ever had.
I warn you now.

I won't lock you up with my 425's.
I will tie you up in court for years instead.
You think your latest squeeze will stand by until your case is on docket?
I doubt it.

I will haul you constantly into court to show cause and woe unto you if you "fail to appear".

Who needs drones?
I will get a swarm of injunctions against you.

A NOS? Nope. Not needed.
I will get your wages garnished and have your credit cards cancelled.
Now that is leeching.

Your years of accumulated child support payments in arrears will suddenly become due in toto.
It will be painful like when your market order tanks.

I will have audits, citations and bench warrants issued.
No CLOAK in the universe can help you hide.

I will petition the court to order mandatory arbitration hearings on each and every issue extant.
There is not a propulsion mod fabricated that can speed you away from that shit.

I won't need to put a "web" on your ass.
I will have your assets frozen and impounded.
Talk about financial immobilization.

Who needs a fucking Neut?
I will have liens filed on your ships, homes, hovels, hangar inventory and personal property.
How's that for starters? Do you feel neutralized?

I will break you so badly that you will have to ask the court for the right to file response documents to me in "forma pauperis!"

I will have your tax refunds offset.
Like a skill point hit when you lost a tech III.
Remember how that hurt?

I will alert the NEW INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE Units to put you on their watch list.
Now that is scanning at its best.

I will get mutliple default judgements against you and will subject you to painful time consuming depositions and gruelling cross examinations.

No hiding in your captain's quarters!
Court is NOW in session punks!

I will have my legal beagles ask for forced conservatorships and subject you to court ordered genetic testing.
Here comes another needle!!

I will have your flight privileges quashed and have your pilot licenses revoked.
Better buy some new walking shoes little one. Better get two pair.

Once financially broken, you will be subjected to countless debtors examinations and a series of hidden inventory forensic financial audits will be utilized to ensure that no asset has escaped our grasp.
Bend over!

And that is only the beginning.
You cannot flee from me.
There is no going "off grid" when dealing with my legal sharks.
Have you ever heard the term...."Long arm jurisdiction"?

You cannot avoid the reach of my legal minions.
They are paid well and are eager to please.
Money can buy such zealotry!
The pen is indeed mightier than the autocannon.

This is one fucking PvP enounter you will never forget my young friends.


I don't need PYFA to tell me that.


One last point. I want to dispel any notion that my criticisms above about pilots in new eden in general apply to my corporate brothers in SKRMR.
Listen, I am proud to be a member of the HAYABUSAS.
Lets not have any misunderstanding about that particular point.
I would put that bunch up against ANY fucking corporation in this sector of our universe any time.
Hell "pound for pound" they are without doubt the baddest collection of pilots around.
New Eden statistics bear out the accuracy of this assertion.
Truth be told I would consider myself to be the weak link in that fearsome chain of killers at least when talking about traditional piloting skills.

Crake, Nog, DeathtoU, Reciprocat, Tooth, Blacktrax, Ash, Dong,Vinny and even that fucking nemesis of mine, Miura Bull can bring formidable piloting skills to the table.
But, while I may not be blessed with the arsenal of piloting skills that these fellows possess I can certainly bring other virtues that can be equally potent and effective.
The narrative above has already discussed my "other attributes" and I will leave it at that.

A little bit of data on my lead attorney:
Susan Derpantsoff
Graduated Magna cum laude Columbia University 23338
Harvard Law School graduated Magna Cum Laude 23341
Editor and president of the law review and voted Gannett house sweetheart.
Clerked for the honorable Judge Sarn (before his disbarrment)
Associate attorney for the firm of Prescott, Floom, Fisher, & Dayne
Senior partner Derpantsoff, Thompson, Mendoza, Salazar, Chang,  & Hill

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